Saturday, May 23, 2015

I know that I'm suppose to say something


I just don't know what or how or where.  What I do know is that a year ago, God told me that I had something to share. My personality isn't one to platform myself and talk to people about my opinions. I've been terrified that God is going to ask me to talk in front of people and nothing terrifies me more than the idea of talking in front of people. Back in high school I burst into tears during my first speech in speech class. I've always dealt with high anxiety.

89 days ago I woke up an hour before my alarm went off. I woke up wide awake and ready to take the day. One thing was different. I had a pressing feeling that I needed to buy a new journal. Even tho I had just started a brand new journal a few months before.  This feeling pushed on my heart all morning and by my lunch break I had just one thing on my mind.

I drove from work straight to Wal-Mart and bought a brand new journal and a blue pen. I went to my car and opened it up to the front page and wrote a letter to God.  It went something along the lines of: I have no idea what you want me to write in this journal. But for the next 100 days I will write to you. At the end of 100 days I will know what I need to do to fulfill your plan.

Today I wrote letter 89. As I wrote that letter the phrase "write with the intent to speak" came right out of my pen and into that journal. Do you remember that I said I am terrified speak?!  In fact I've prayed Lord, let me do your will, as long as I don't have to openly talk to people. That sounds ridiculous,I know, but those of you out there with anxiety will understand where that comes from.

Today after church, I spoke with one of my very closest friends. She said something to me that gave me that boost of confidence. She said
The amazing thing about doing the things that are outside of our comfort zone is that we have no choice but to lean on God. If you always stay inside your comfort zone, you know that you can handle it, so you don't need to call God for help. But when we are forced to lean on him, amazing things can happen.

So with those words, I am going to move forward.

Lord, use me for your will, in whatever form that may be




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